Spike Milligan's The ABC

'Twas midnight in the schoolroom 

And every desk was shut 

When suddenly from the alphabet 

Was heard a loud "Tut-Tut!"


Said A to B, "I don't like C; 
His manners are a lack.

For all I ever see of C 
Is a semi-circular back!" 


"I disagree," said D to B, 
"I've never found C so. 

From where I stand he seems to be 
An uncompleted O."


C was vexed, "I'm much perplexed, 
You criticise my shape.

I'm made like that, to help spell Cat 
And Cow and Cool and Cape."


"He's right" said E; said F, "Whoopee!" 
Said G, "'Ip, 'Ip, 'ooray!"

"You're dropping me," roared H to G. 
"Don't do it please I pray."


"Out of my way," LL said to K. 
"I'll make poor I look ILL."

To stop this stunt J stood in front, 
And presto! ILL was JILL.


"U know," said V, "that W 
Is twice the age of me.

For as a Roman V is five 
I'm half as young as he." 


X and Y yawned sleepily, 
"Look at the time!" they said. 

"Let's all get off to beddy byes."

They did, then "Z-z-z."